Fight to find yourself!

Hello. I am 21 years old woman going to the university and trying to stand on my own feet.

I am the oldest child of a family from the Southeast and their only daughter. I want to start with my father who made my childhood perfect for me. He raised me by reading poems to me and he made me like reading books and he was always religious. My father was the hero during my childhood and what he told me was my only reality and truth. 

Starting with the 7th grade they banned me to wear short sleeved cloths, then they told that I have to wear a tunic. I was angry, first I cried, then I got used to it. I was going to veil in the end anyhow, I told myself “Either now or later, what is the difference?” Weren’t my parents saying “My daughter is going to veil when she grows up” even when I was in primary school? I veiled in the first grade of high school and I spent that period practicing religion, I was always reading. 

In the meanwhile, I was not allowed to be on social media or have a cell phone. My mother did not want me to talk to the boys even in the classroom because I could get a bad reputation. 

I was not even able to talk to my cousins properly. I used to bring a glass of water to drink to my brothers because I was the only girl in the family and this was supposed to be my task. My grandmother used to say “You are a grown-up girl now, you should wear a skirt”. Everyone had something to say about me. But secretly I was thinking that I had to find myself on my own.

My mind changed considerably when I started the third grade at high school. I only had my books to read with me and I was an atheist in the second semester of the fourth grade; the headscarf and everything else left were only a huge strange thing for me. I was sad because of my lost childhood and I was really angry to both my family and where I was born. I told my mother many times that I was going to take off my headscarf. Sometimes I was being insulted and sometimes threatened and we went on like that. I started to hate myself in this period and my mother took away and hide all my books written by foreign writers. 

She had taken away my only relief. She threw my diaries away to garbage, in fact she threw my personality away to garbage. 

I had health problems. I succeeded in the university entrance exams and I removed my headscarf. I went home at the end of the first semester of the first year of the university and my family was shocked. My brother said “Our family honour is insulted”. He accused my mother and said “You made her like this”. My father said “I would be less sad if I had touched your dead body, I wish your dead body had come here instead.” My mother said “You are not my daughter anymore, I will disown you.” But I did nothing.

I was their daughter, yes and this was who I was. I returned to the university after 6 days. I continued for 3 months not getting any money from my family, giving private lessons and working in a second-hand bookseller. I went through a severe depression and I committed suicide twice, I was always hopeful and find the strength inside myself. My father started sending money again for my education. I had nowhere to go in the summer holiday and no money, my mother called me so I went home. For one month nobody talked to me except my mother and I always stayed indoor. I was very determined, I was hoping to  find a way to change them. Afterwards my brothers started talking to me and also my father one month ago.

He still does not call me “my daughter” and he is distant with me but nevertheless I exist, as I am, and he shows respect to that. 

In these one and a half years I never stopped working, I always tried to stand on my own feet. I am an individual and I made them accept this even if this was not easy at all. Now my mother is saying to me “This hair did not suit you well, do something different with your hair.” I can put on a dark color lipstick when I am going to the cinema with my brother. I had my father to wash the dishes two days before (My mother told that he was doing this for the first time). 

Most important of all I love my femininity and myself. I proved partly that I can make my own way and that I will not give up. Life is long and I have many things to do. 

We should not lose hope and we should love and respect ourselves. One day they will accept us as we are; this was the reason I wanted to write something here. I love you for who you are and because you exist.

You should also love yourself and fight, even with yourself. Fight to find yourself.

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