My family doesn’t worry about religion, Allah, or his book. It’s all about what others think.

Hello everyone.

Writing as a person who read all the letters here, I don’t know where to start either.

I’m just one of the thousands of girls being forced to cover. I started covering my hair at 16 when starting 10th grade. A year before that, sweet warnings began. Conversations mentioning “cover your hair”, “the time has come”, “you should start somewhere” were made. When I told my covered friends what my mother and sister said, they tried to convince me it wasn’t bad. Of course, it wasn’t, but I didn’t want it. Nobody understood that. I was sometimes praying to God, “Please give me the desire to cover my hair. Please. Otherwise, I can’t do that.” But I did. I covered my hair with the thought that “I’m going to do it one day anyway, I can’t avoid, this is fate.”

In the first few months, I had the thought “The Creator commands us to do this, why didn’t I do it before?” That gave me peace, I was glad. I thought like I wish I’d done it before, but it lasted only a few months. Now I understand that it was my way of convincing myself.

I’ll be 20 soon, and I write this in my dorm room, at the university, away from my family. I stopped covering my hair for about two weeks. I never thought about it before that. I’ve been wearing it for almost 4 years, and I was never pleased with it, but I didn’t consider uncovering.

I was even jealous of little girls with their hair falling down on their shoulders. I was dreaming that if I had a disease in my brain, so I had to uncover my head, no one could say anything because it’s a health issue.

God, these are very sick and dangerous thoughts. I feel sorry for myself when I think about those. At first, I spoke to my sisters about this. They were surprised, they didn’t expect such a thing. Nobody knew when I was drowning under that veil. I didn’t tell anyone that I was forced to cover and my desire to uncover. Though, as I said, I never thought of actually doing it.

I couldn’t admit that I was forced to cover because of my pride until I realised I was suffering from the same trouble with a friend of mine from university. I told her about it, but I was still saying that it’s fate. She uncovered three months ago. I envied her, but I suppressed my feelings by saying that it’s fate.

Like I suppressed the harassment from my relatives, I did the same to my longing for my hair. There’s a lot to tell, but I have to cut it short. My parents don’t know, my sisters are aware of the idea, but nobody knows that I’m uncovered except my close circle. My mother will make a scene, we don’t have a healthy mother-daughter relationship anyway, and she will hate me more. Her desire to shape me made me draw away from her, and there were times I hated her.

Some people think that I was uncovered because of my boyfriend, am I really shallow like that? Anyway, I’ll skip this part. I don’t talk to my mother because of her possibility of associating my idea with the university and attempting to drop me out of school. I can’t predict my father’s reaction.

As a girl with broken family ties, I’m bitterly offended by my hesitation with my family. There is no emotional connection between us, but they imposed such an important decision on me at that time, which is a tough situation for a Libra.

In the meantime, I uncovered my hair when wearing a burkini and no one said a word about it. Then I understood that my family doesn’t worry about religion, Allah, or his book. It’s all about what others think, and this is ruining me. This is not a religious thing, but a customary one. My hair was visible when I wore a shawl, and this didn’t bother me. Even though I wore a burkini on a mixed beach, it wouldn’t bother me to walk around with uncovered hair. Actually not worrying is what bothers me. I couldn’t be faithful enough. I had faith in Allah, but I rarely do my prayers. I don’t even know how to read the Quran properly. My only worship is fasting and tarawih once a year.

I’ve started to question my faith recently. It’s hard to get rid of questions once they start. I’ve always left some questions like “I wonder if there is a God” or “Are religious real?” aside, but I can’t ignore them anymore. The university and the sociology department has opened my eyes. I will begin my inquiries in the summer. I was about to go crazy when uncovering my hair was just an idea, not when I performed it. It was my week of midterms, but I couldn’t focus, I was about to go nuts, seriously. I don’t know what would happen if I didn’t go out with my hair open.

I feel happy, but it makes me feel bad that my family doesn’t know that yet. I’m afraid to go home just because I have to cover my hair. I’m waiting for school to end, and I can even stay in summer school.

Anyway, I’ve talked too much, sorry. If I succeed, I’ll write it here again, or I’ll get it written in my gravestone as I’m suicidal. Shame on those who forced us to this. The only thing keeping me alive is my boyfriend, and I’m serious, I have nothing to lose. But I’ll fight and do my best because I know I’m not walking alone.

(Image: Persepolis)

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