I miss feeling my true self so much.

I am a 23 years old woman and I have been pressured to wear headscarf until this age. There has been some violence too. Although I am a very calm and quite around my family, I am acting like I am the most powerful woman on earth outside of my house. I pretend as I am willingly wearing headscarf because I don’t  want other people to pity on me. Every time I put this thing on my head, I avoid mirrors because when I look at myself in the mirror with a headscarf on my head, what I see is a very weak person. I am constantly having crying attacks. Although I have my mother’s support, I still can’t stand living like that. A piece of a rag is squeezing my throat and forcing me to die. I miss flipping my hair outside and feeling my true self so much.

I am writing these lines with silent tears. Sometimes I am feeling alienated from my beliefs, I am getting far away from my spirituality.

I don’t feel God’s support with me anymore, I feel like I am left alone by him; it hurts me.

When I see my friends all dressed up and taking photos, being around them makes me suffer deeply. I don’t have even a single photo of myself with a headscarf, I don’t have any accounts on social media; I can’t stand seeing myself. While trying to look strong outside, seeing someone ruined and insecure on the way home hurts my heart.

I hear people saying things like ‘’They are all actresses, all activists.’’ When they see someone taking off her headscarf. Hearing those thoughts deeply agonizing me because I know for a fact that need for change is one of the existing facts of life and I know that those women had been suppressed for years. I don’t know how to get out from hellish torture. I don’t have a job, I am studying for the exams now; if I cannot find a light, I will lose all my joy, my personality.

My father is a very tough man. I always act and talk very carefully around him. I am a quiet person and his loud voice is scaring me. If I tell him that I don’t want to wear headscarf, I am sure I will lose him. He is a good person and a good father, I don’t want to lose him; It’s a dead end. If I can score good enough in the exam and find a job in the city that I want, I am planning to tell him that I don’t want to wear headscarf  anymore.

I need people to support me

(Image: Sveta Dorosheva)

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Comments (2)

  1. Kadınların özgürleşmesi konusunda her zaman destekçileriyiz. Hiç kimse kendi dünya görüşünü bi başkası üzerinde baskı unsuru olarak kullanamaz. Sizin için ne yapabilirim?

  2. Kadınların özgürleşmesi konusunda her zaman destekçileriyiz. Size nasıl yardımcı olabilirim?

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