People can think about my life for only 5 minutes, but I’m going to live this life.

It’s 2011. I’ve decided to be covered when I was in the second year of high school. Without anyone’s pressure. I always remember my mom saying “You’re not old enough to decide to be covered, think straight, don’t limit yourself.” But I didn’t listen and I thought that it was necessary. I went outside with a head scarf on my head on a holiday’s morning. I was happy. I was living in an Eastern city and I was liked more that way. Back then, there were still bans about head scarf and I was uncovering when I went to school and then cover my head after. I wasn’t fully able still. After the bans were removed, I was fully covered. I was happy still. I was performing most of the prayers and I was one of the ones in the eye.

I got into the university and because of the department I was studying, my thoughts, ideology, and opinions changed widely. I read a lot, traveled a lot, researched a lot and met a lot of people. I even fell in love. To someone who was way different than me. Both religiously and ideologically. My milestones were what I had read and whom I had met. I changed a lot. And I had realized that I wasn’t seeing myself when I looked in the mirror. I was unhappy. I am unhappy.

I had already decided to uncover and tried many times. But I wasn’t able to open the door and leave. Now, I always wander around with this thought. I wasn’t able to think that it was necessary to be covered in 2011 when it’s 2017.

I have opened myself to my mom and my brother crying. My mom’s saying “People would say that you are banished from religion” and my brother’s threats like “You would be a disgrace; don’t come home”. I’ve realized that the thing they cared about is not my decision about my life, rather what would people think. People can think about my life for only 5 minutes, but I’m going to live this life.

I’m a woman with ideals and after 22 years I want to see my hair flowing. I want to live without pressure, freely because it’s me what matters. It’s us what matters. And our decisions are what’s beautiful. I can gather my courage and I can live my life with beautiful feelings, looking in the mirror, I hope. I always imagine. I have a picture on the beach which my headscarf flows. I still look at it. Actually, I don’t remember my hair flowed on the beach ever.

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