My mother’s behaviour after her late 20s costs our childhood.

I don’t know where to begin. My parents weren’t religious people before they got married. After marriage, my mother began to cover her hair as a tradition but it wasn’t too tight until their memberships to a religious order. As a result of this orders meetings, my mother was starting to wear her headscarf very tight. My father did not want to this way but after a while he began to go to male version of the same meetings and agreed with my mother. You can say now why do we care about it. But no, It is very relevant to us. Of course everybody can do whatever they want but my mother’s behaviour after her late 20s costs our childhood.

I was in Primary School, all my male cousins wore short and zero sleeve outfit. I always wore a skirt or a dress. I didn’t have it in my wardrobe. It was impossible to wear panths esspecially shorts for girls… My 2 older sisters wore headscarf as soon as ends their Middle School. They wore their clothes like they are old people. It was very uncomfortable clothes. I don’t know if my sisters did it willingly, but I never did. I postponed all of my mother’s suggestions, saying that I would wear headscarf when my Middle School finished like my older sisters. I wanted to live my Middle School years to the fullest. It was only 4 years in my life and it happened that way.

I did everything I wanted in middle school, but graduation was approaching, and I could feel my mother’s warnings. I could not express this issue but the issues that I have drawn from other issues made itself felt. I finished Middle School and I saw the boarding school as a way out. What if they don’t let me go to school unless I cover my head. Sadly, I wore the headscarf, fellas. To continue my education… To stand on my own two feet. I wore the headscarf for not being married in my 18 like my older sister. It was childish but I was afraid. I wouldn’t have done it if I had my current mind. Because, once you covered your head and  you never have a turn back.

I was very gruff in High School. I became a radical pious. For years, I tried to convince myself that I did it willingly, not by force. Because It hurts my pride that someone forced me to do something. Time has passed. I hated myself but I did not compromise my piety. Until last 1.5 years. I tried to confess that I didn’t actually want to cover my head for a year and I wasn’t sincere in religious matters. I tried to overcome my pride.

I got my courage and I told my parents I didn’t want to wear it anymore. Everyone opposed. I was declared a whore. My sister threatened to get me out of school. She said that she would not let me realize my dream of a doctor in the faculty I worked for years. My mother threatened to leave me with no money. We didn’t announce this request to my uncle, who decided everything. Maybe he would’ve threatened to kill me If he knew it. I fear him most. When I was little, he dragged my cousin from the hair for wearing headscarf. I can’t forget that. My father? If only you weren’t so passive, the girls would live as they wanted, dad. My father told me you are still too young for wearing headscarf. When I wanted to take off my headscarf, he supported me and he fought my mother for that. I was afraid they would divorce because of me. I was afraid my uncle would hear it and dragging me from my hair at my school in front of all my colleagues. I was so scared, fellas. But I don’t want it anymore. If I live like this, I never will.

One day, maybe I can continue my life freely as I want among people who don’t know who I am in a different country abroad. But I don’t know if I can last till then. I miss my hair every time I look in the mirror. It’s been so long since I felt the wind in my hair. My brave sisters who can live as you wish. I congratulate all of you with my sincere feelings. You have a nice way. I may join you one day, but I have no hope. There’s a lot to write, but I won’t take the time of you precious people. Thank you very much If you read this. Because I really need someone to understand me now. In the meantime, those who say that there is not pressure from the family environment in this period; please have some respect for these people. Not everyone is lucky enough to grow up in libertarian families like you.

(Image: Montserrat Gudiol)

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